On the Eve of My Return

It's been nearly two months since my last entry and things have been busy and ever changing! I was (finally) cleared to start walking again on January 1st, which was a great way to start the new year! My doctor also said I could return to work on February 1st, which is also when he said I could start running again! The ability to be able to walk again has been fantastic. You really don't realize how much you miss something until you can't do it anymore. By the way, the image is of my second to last x-ray of my pelvis. There wasn't much, if any, change between this and the last so I didn't take a new one after my last appointment. Anyway, you can see one of the three fractures in my pelvis on the lower right part of the circular opening of the pelvis. Notice on the left how it's perfectly round and not so much on the right. Well, apparently it will be like that forever. Apparently it won't make much difference in child delivery methods one day, but I'll find out for sure the next time I go in to see my "female" doctor. Sorry if I grossed anyone out! I try not to share too much, but most everyone asks me that question when they see the x-ray anyway.

The progression to this point has been truly amazing. I remember waking up some mornings in over the last two months thinking that it didn't hurt as much to sit up or roll over in bed. But then all the pain seemed to disappear overnight. I also remember the night where I realized I could finally sleep on my side again. I've always been a stomach and/or side sleeper, so those months where I had to sleep on my back really sucked. The progression back to walking was pretty easy. I was worried that I was really and truly going to have to "learn to walk" again, which is what my doctor told me to expect, but I guess it's like riding a bike, your body just remembers. I wasn't nearly as out of shape as I expected to be; it wasn't a matter of feeling worn out and tired by walking, it was more that I would get sore from too much walking. The first week or two I was really only good for 20-30 minutes of walking at a time, but that steadily increased. I still feel tired from time to time after too much walking. I took Abby for an hour long walk last week on a particularly nice day and I was sore the next day, but it was muscle soreness, no bone pain. I was also walking a 12 minute mile walk pace, which probably wasn't the greatest idea, but I had to push myself.

I went to see Delilah about a week ago and it wasn't as emotional as I thought it might be. I started to choke up just a little when I saw her in the paddock, but it was worse when her owner came down to the barn. I wanted to be able to show her I was ok, though, and had no hard feelings. Nicole, my sister, and I mucked the 4 stalls in the barn and lunged Clarence and Delilah both since a) I wasn't going to ride and b) it was really too muddy for Nicole to go out anyway. It was definitely really nice to be back around the horses again. There really is something about a horse that's good for the soul.

Recently, I've been trying to "re-live" what happened in October and what I remember most about it is the few short seconds I had when I realized there was no way I was going to stay in the saddle as Delilah tripped. It was scary to realize that not only was I coming off, but I was coming off the largest horse I've ever ridden and I'm pretty sure there is a "right" way to fall and a "wrong" way to fall and I had no idea how to fall the "right" way, so I was just hoping for the best. I remember trying to take a physical inventory of myself once I hit the ground and literally the first thought that came to mind was "Do I have a headache? Did I get a concussion?" once I realized that my head was fine, it start to hit me that my body definitely wasn't. The athletic trainer in me was desperately trying to figure out what had happened, but I really had no clue other than the fact I really didn't want to move from my hands and knees to even a sitting position, and then realizing that eventually I had to get to a hospital. Once I was standing between Nicole and the man who came down to us, I kept thinking to myself that I was being a wuss, that I was ok and I could walk out on my own. I finally realized that things weren't ok once I got really lightheaded and the light around me got so bright and looked like it was tinged with green. I was cold, but sweating at the same time and was trying not to black out. But again, I was trying to convince myself I was being a wuss. I don't have a clue why I was trying so hard to be tough.

I finally got scared once we got to the hospital ER and the doctors and nurses were rushing around. They probably thought I had no clue what was going on, but with all the medical training I've had, between being an athletic trainer and being an EMT in college, I knew what was going on and what they were doing and talking about. When they told me I was going to be transferred to Fairfax Hospital and that surgery might be in my future, that's when I realized what was going on. I was trying to keep calm and my feelings in check because I was worried that if I got scared, my parents would start to freak out and I didn't want them to worry. Mostly because I didn't want them to worry on the day where I was finally able to ride again. Hahaha.

This has definitely been the most physically and mentally draining thing I've ever gone through. I knew how to handle athlete injuries and psychology, but I had no idea how to handle it for myself. I'd never been injured anywhere close to that before. I thought I was handling things ok, but I know now I wasn't. I should have asked for more help and not been afraid to ask people to do things for me, even as simple as getting me a glass of water. But I wanted to be tough and handle myself. It was kind of a vicious cycle. I think this, however, is what will make me a better athletic trainer and probably be more sympathetic at times. It's also opened my eyes to how truly unfair people can be to those with disabilities. I'll never forget the stares as I sat in a wheelchair or in the scooters at the grocery store or the time the guy at the commissary made a comment about me being too young to be in a scooter- I explained I had broken my pelvis and suddenly he was much more compassionate. I looked like there was nothing wrong since I didn't have a cast on or anything else that was obvious. I'll never forget people being completely oblivious to me in the wheelchair or even on crutches. And I'll never forget the "handicapped" accessible parking that wasn't so accessible. It makes me think that people should spend even just 72 hours in a wheelchair to really appreciate the things that the disabled go through.

So tomorrow, I go back to work. I'm kind of nervous. It doesn't really make sense and I think it's because I don't want people to treat me differently or worry every time I have to do something. I am excited to see my "kids" and get back to normal life. Or what "normal" will be like for the next few months. I've tried to jog a little, just like 50 feet maybe, and that still hurt as of last week, so I haven't tried yet. I still wake up stiff and sore most mornings and I'm sure that will last for awhile longer, if not forever. If I stand for too long I still get sore and if I sit in one position for too long I get sore too. Things are different now, but at some point it will all seem normal again.

All I really know is I can't wait to ride again :).

If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him what your plans are...

My mom told me that saying a few days ago, and at first it didn't make much sense, but now it really does. I've been MIA for so long because I've been having some personal struggles and didn't feel like I had anything positive to say other than I was making myself miserable, so I didn't say anything at all. I won't go too much into that because I'm working on those things now. It won't be fixed today, or tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. It will be an ongoing effort, but one that I know, without a doubt, that I want to take on.

So as for my broken body, I went to see the orthopedic this last Tuesday. It was ridiculous. I got there to have x-rays at 1:45, then went to the office and was there by 2:20 for a 2:45 appointment. Finally at about 3:15 we were called back and at 4:15 we were finally seen. He said my x-rays looked ok, but that there wasn't as much calcification in the fractures on the front of my pelvis as he had expected there to be at this point. Funny because I've been drinking more milk than I ever have before. Which I know isn't the complete solution, but it should have helped right? Maybe not. He also said that the fracture in my sacrum was further down into the bone than he had originally thought, so lucky me, I get another 6 weeks of non- weight bearing :(. So that would be January 1st, 2010 before I can start walking. This is driving me crazy, but I think God is trying to teach me patience.

This has been a very trying time on a variety of levels. I've made some very poor decisions and in doing that hurt some of the people I love most. I've given up on being angry about the injury, and trying to bargain about it, and am coming out of the depression and have moved onto acceptance. I thought I was going through all these stages weeks ago, but really, I hadn't moved beyond depression yet. I still don't blame Delilah (the horse) or her owners or myself. It was an accident with some very hard lessons learned. I know that I will grow stronger through all of this, but I should have never taken on the grief on my own. Subconsciously, I didn't want to trouble anyone else. I didn't think anyone else would want to listen to me cry and get frustrated and get angry. So, I held onto those emotions tightly, bottled them up and then when I could handle them no more, tried to push everyone away. I'm sorry to the people I have hurt and I hope that you can forgive me. I'm not making excuses, I'm just coming to acceptance for the things I have done.

Happy One Month Anniversary to Me!

Yesterday came and went without me realizing that in terms of a calender month, it was the 1 month anniversary of my swan dive attempt off the back of a 6ft horse. I think it's a good thing that it came and went without much fanfare, but I thought today about how far I've come in just one month.

I'm up and around on crutches now :). I still use the scooter from time-to-time, but mostly just around the house or if I'm going somewhere where I would have to do a lot of walking (or I guess crutching in this case). The only reason for the scooter around the house at least is because I've been getting rub marks on my sides from the crutches and I haven't gotten around to putting extra padding on the crutches. Plus, I can get around to places faster in the house on that rather than crutching.

I'm driving now....HUGE bonus!! I feel like I'm not as trapped in the house. If I need to go run an errand, or just get out, I can and I don't have to ask someone to take me.

I can get up from sitting without much pain anymore. My ribs really don't hurt, unless I sneeze, which I've been doing a lot of, so that still kind of sucks. My pelvis still hurts from time to time, but not badly. I can sit up from laying flat, for the most part. It takes some work and it's not pain-free, but I'm ready to get out of the hospital bed and back into my own bed I think. I can also lay on either side for a time, but not a long time. Sometimes I wake up a little sore if I do that for too long, but I'm also afraid to lay on my side to fall asleep because I worry that I'll make it over to my stomach (my preferred sleeping position) and I don't think that would be a good thing yet.

I've been completely off Vicodin for at least the last 2 weeks, but probably longer if I really thought about it. I'll take Advil, but even that is pretty rare. It's strange to think that a month ago, I don't think I would have survived making it through the day without some method of pain control.

The strangest thing about all of this is I keep hearing about all these people who have fractured their pelvis before, and the doctors in the hospital kept telling me how infrequent that was because of the strength of the bone. Obviously, I know I'm not the only one, but I've heard of at least 5 other people in the last month who fractured their pelvis, 3 of which were on horses. People keep asking me if I'll ride again and seemed shocked when I tell them I will as soon as the doctor tells me yes. That's one thing in my life I can't give up. Besides, it took 28 years to fall off badly enough to break something, I hope to go another 28 years ;). Maybe I'll take some actual lessons, something I haven't done in a long time. Just don't tell my boss. Hahaha.

So, it's been a month, here's to another month of healing!

No More Sneezing Please :(

I guess my body has finally decided that it's recovered enough to start sneezing again and now it's making up for lost time. I disagree, I'm not ready to sneeze. My ribs have gotten sore again and it even makes my pelvis hurt. Anatomically, I guess it makes sense that when you sneeze, the muscles attached to your pelvis would also tighten, but who woulda thunk?? I admit I haven't been very good about taking my allergy medicine recently, and fall is usually the worst time for me, so it's probably at least partially my fault, but I really haven't been outside too much recently.

Yesterday was a busy, but good day :). My mom and I went to vote for our new governor and then went to lunch. When we got home, I got in my car and drove to West Springfield to go to football practice! Yep, I drove :). It felt really weird and took more concentration than I remembered, but I was behind the wheel and got in and out with minimal pain. I went into the athletic training room, of course, and picked up a pair of crutches, which I've been using to get around a little. It's like a new found freedom to not have to sit in a chair or maneuver around using the walker, which I hated.

I think I'll be spending a little more time at school "just visiting" so I can see everyone and not get too much out of the loop. It's not the same as being at work, but it's a start. Besides, then I get to hang out with Kemba and Denise and that's always good for at least a few laughs ;).

Not too much planned for today I don't think. I'll take the break though :)

Not Great News

So, it looks like I won't be back to work on November 9th afterall. Fairfax County Public Schools has some policy on not being able to return to work on "light duty". Which, I guess makes sense, but it's frustrating still. I really just want to be back to work and back in the athletic training room. But then again, I do realize that my job just isn't set up for someone who's not allowed to walk yet. There's no way I could get out onto the court or the field, or whatever playing surface, and eval an athlete who is on the ground. It would make me feel helpless to just stand there and look at them when they're in pain. So anyway, I understand, but I still don't like it.

Not much else is really going on. I've been watching the muscle mass in my left leg wither away and it's gross. It really bugs me, so I try not to wear shorts very often, which is lucky since it's getting colder anyway. I've even been working on the "rehab" I was given, but it hurts my patellar tendon to do it, so I've slowed down a bit. I'm also working on getting around more on the walker, but trying not to overdo it to appease my parents ;). My mom and I looked up where to find Hope crutches, which are supposed to be less stressful on your arms, specifically your underarms. We didn't have much luck, however. Most medical supply companies apparently don't carry them. Weird. I'll have to deal with regular crutches for now I guess.

I might be able to start driving soon since I've been able to get in and out of my car, and it's actually easier than getting in and out of my mom's minivan. My mom wants me to "practice" getting in and out of the driver's seat side, though. Haha. Luckily there are only 4 houses on my parents end of their street and our neighbors are pretty non-existent, so no one will witness these "practice" sessions. Once I can start driving, I think I'll try to get out of the house more, even if it's just to go to Starbucks or something to read a book. Or maybe I'll swing by school to "visit". Haha.

So that's pretty much it. Not much else exciting going on. I hope everyone had a more fun Halloween than I did. We didn't even get any trick-or-treaters. That's no fun!

GREAT NEWS!!!

I went to see the ortho today and he said that I can go back to a "modified" work schedule starting November 9th!! He initially told me I could go back next Monday, but I told him I didn't think I would be quite ready by then since I haven't done more than about 20 minutes worth of walking on the walker quite yet. I'm really hoping to be on crutches by then, though. He said the new x-rays of my pelvis looked pretty good and that the bones were all still lined up properly. So I go back in 3 more weeks to have more x-rays done and then hopefully I'll start to be able to do partial weight bearing and then go to rehab and learn how to walk again. Haha. So hopefully I can stay on track now and get back to somewhat normal life :). It'll still be a long time coming before I can run again or go horseback riding, but that's ok. I'll get there.

Other than that, not too much exciting is going on. Only 12 more days before I go back to work :). I never thought I would be so happy to say that. Haha.

I love my athletes

Yesterday marked 2 weeks since the accident and although I have a hard time with this still, I have to remind myself that 2 weeks ago, I would have never thought I would be doing what I am now. My mom took me up to West Springfield yesterday to visit everyone and it was a visit I really needed, but didn't realize how much. I didn't tell anyone I was going, so I think I surprised everyone. The kids were great and seemed happy to see me. They made a card for me and it definitely cheered me up. They said some really nice things and when I'm having a bad day, I'll be sure to look at it because it cheered me up yesterday. I'mg also glad that Kemba and Denise seem to be handling things well over there, despite having a lot of stress I'm sure. I didn't doubt that they could do it, but I'm glad that things are going reasonably well for them. I can't wait to be back and get back into it, though :).

We went to the game for a little while last night, but it started to rain at the start of the second half, so we decided to leave in case it really started to rain. I was really happy to be there, though. Really happy. I think it made my week. Like I said I didn't realize how much I needed that. I hope to be able to get out to school a little more often to visit now, but I can't drive yet, so I have to rely on my mom still. But I don't want to focus on that now. I'm just really happy and it meant a lot that the athletes seemed so happy to see me. Guess being there for 2 years already has really paid off :).