If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him what your plans are...

My mom told me that saying a few days ago, and at first it didn't make much sense, but now it really does. I've been MIA for so long because I've been having some personal struggles and didn't feel like I had anything positive to say other than I was making myself miserable, so I didn't say anything at all. I won't go too much into that because I'm working on those things now. It won't be fixed today, or tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. It will be an ongoing effort, but one that I know, without a doubt, that I want to take on.

So as for my broken body, I went to see the orthopedic this last Tuesday. It was ridiculous. I got there to have x-rays at 1:45, then went to the office and was there by 2:20 for a 2:45 appointment. Finally at about 3:15 we were called back and at 4:15 we were finally seen. He said my x-rays looked ok, but that there wasn't as much calcification in the fractures on the front of my pelvis as he had expected there to be at this point. Funny because I've been drinking more milk than I ever have before. Which I know isn't the complete solution, but it should have helped right? Maybe not. He also said that the fracture in my sacrum was further down into the bone than he had originally thought, so lucky me, I get another 6 weeks of non- weight bearing :(. So that would be January 1st, 2010 before I can start walking. This is driving me crazy, but I think God is trying to teach me patience.

This has been a very trying time on a variety of levels. I've made some very poor decisions and in doing that hurt some of the people I love most. I've given up on being angry about the injury, and trying to bargain about it, and am coming out of the depression and have moved onto acceptance. I thought I was going through all these stages weeks ago, but really, I hadn't moved beyond depression yet. I still don't blame Delilah (the horse) or her owners or myself. It was an accident with some very hard lessons learned. I know that I will grow stronger through all of this, but I should have never taken on the grief on my own. Subconsciously, I didn't want to trouble anyone else. I didn't think anyone else would want to listen to me cry and get frustrated and get angry. So, I held onto those emotions tightly, bottled them up and then when I could handle them no more, tried to push everyone away. I'm sorry to the people I have hurt and I hope that you can forgive me. I'm not making excuses, I'm just coming to acceptance for the things I have done.